Wednesday, September 28, 2005

LONG TIME

Sorry I haven't posted in a while... it has been a loooong month in HOLLYWOOD full of difficult decisions. Hopefully next month will be more generous. Until then....
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

GREEN STREET HOOLIGANS

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GO SEE THIS MOVIE This movie was the best I have seen all year. It follows a Harvard 'Yank-Journo' (Elijah Wood) as he slowly declines into the seedy underbelly of a London Football firm....and then tons of dudes fight alot! It's a really great story...the kind you have already seen but done in a new way. The characters feel real and are lovable even when they are thrwong bricks at rival firms and smashing people's faces. The film's director (LEXI ALEXANDER) was at the screening and did a Q and A following the credits. Although 'GREEN STREET HOOLIGANS' has won many major festivals, the film could not find distribution so the production company that made the film SELF DISTRIBUTED. It's basically surviving on word of mouth....SO GO SEE IT.
The GERMAN director was asked a few bullshit questions last night too which she responded ever so eloquantly:

ASSHOLE WANA BE HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER- "Lexi, Don't you think it was irresponsible to make a film which could not be easily mass distributed to any Joe Schmo and his five kids in Ohio. Maybe you should have created a franchise movie with loveable and huggable characters that could easily fit into the studio formula for success. "
LEXI DIRECTOR OF GSH-
"FUCK OFF"

The above was not a normal wewilleatyou exaggeration.

Basically their were a bunch of dudes in the audience who were pissed off that a woman made a fucking great movie. She held her own in the Q AND A and already had my respect for her direction in the movie.
GO SEE IT...SUPPORT INDEPENDENT FILMMAKING!

Friday, September 23, 2005

XFGHJQ

I hate having to type the anti-spam secret code so I can comment on people's blogs. I understand that I have the mechanism turned on but I am considering turning it off. WHO IS IN?
Seriously what is this....the COLD WAR?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I WAS LOST BUT NOW I'M EVEN LOSTER

Just finished the LOST season premeire and it picked up where it left just fine. I was happy with the episode...especially how it opened. I would like to make a few predictions as to what is happening to the castaways of OCEANIC FLIGHT 817.

1. A SUPERIOR SPECIES, KNOWN AS THE SASQUATCH, HAS BECKONED THE FLIGHT THERE TO FIND A CURE FOR THE COMMON COLD. THEY WILL NOW BEGIN TESTING...

2. WALT DISNEY HAS BEEN RE-ANIMATED FROM HIS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN STATE TO BUILD DISNEY ISLAND...WALT'S WILD RIDE.

3. GEORGE BUSH DOES NOT CARE ABOUT OCEANIC FLIGHT 817.

4. THE KILLER BEES (search 90'S LOCAL NEWSCAST) FINALLY GOT THEIR ACT TOGETHER AND ACTUALLY CAUSED HARM TO SOMEONE.

Either way I will be watching like a fat kid watches cake.

CURLING!!!

I once lived in CALGARY, AB CANADA where I spent most of the time following great CANADIAN CURLERS.
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If you don't know what CURLING is then you should rent THIS MOVIE If you are like me, you will then contemplate how the HELL THAT MOVIE EVER GOT MADE, but will at least understand the sport of CURLING. Basically it is like shuffle board and chess on ice with brooms.
Check out this site for really bad animation of the sport. CLICK HERE CLICK HERE
The best rock I ever curled was a double take out freeze almost dead center in the house.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Do You Want A Trophy?

Trophy Cabinet2
In highschool me and my bestfriend were assholes. We had a great little sketch we often did to belittle anyone who was fishing for compliments...
"Hey J and L... Daddy just bought me a Lexus..."
Don't Care!
"Did you guys hear... I am the new class President."
Future 40 year old Virgin!
"J.... I totally just threw up my lunch and these jeans look great on my ass now."
Just go shoot yourself!

Although that was what we were thinking, we would instead break into this bit below to both confuse, annoy, and make fun of the future moral majority of Texas. Here is the scenario.

Int. Lunch Room- Day
L and J enter the lunch room and take their seat at the far end of the dining hall. C joins them for some food and laughs. K enters the room and avoids L and J eyecontact at ALL COSTS. SHE CAN NOT BE SEEN WITH THEM FOR FEAR OF LOOSING COOL RANK. A unsuspecting freshmen runs up to C ecstatic.

FRESH- HEY C.... LOOK I JUST GOT MY LEARNER'S PERMIT. ISN'T IT COOL.
C- Wow...Pretty Cool.

L reaches over and grabs the ceritificate.

L- Take a look at this J!!!
J- OHHH! I don't know if I have ever seen one of these in such prestine condition.
L- You are right the print of this certificate is really fine craftmanship... Congratulations FRESHMEN. I'm sure it was a really difficult test.

L hands back the certificate.

FRESH- WELL! It was pretty hard. You could only get like 5 wrong.
J- I'm sure it was a breeze for you.
L- By the way... we too would like to give you something for this great day of celebration and although it may not be of the quality of a certificate provided to you by the TEXAS STATE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES it is nonetheless a gesture of our pride that we share that you are now liscensed to drive a car with someone of 21 years of age in the passenger seat.
J- Yes... and I too would like to take this time to commemorate Mr. and Mrs. FRESHMAN for their undeniably effecient parenting skills, for they have not only raised a being that is capable of completing 8 grades of general education but also someone who had the instincts and the drive to complete and pass the TEXAS STATE LEARNER'S PERMIT EXAM. I would call them or even take a picture of this historical event and send it with text at this very moment but that kind of cell phone technology is not available to me as it is December of '99.
FRESH- Thanks guys... I mean it really means alot because usually you don't even talk to me.
L- Not a problem. We are just so proud and would like to honor you with this gift.
FRESH- You really shouldn't have gotten me anything... I mean how did you even know.
J- Go ahead L...present him with his reward.

L pauses and looks at me.

L- I thought you brought it.
J- I distinctively remember asking you to wrap it up and bring it with you today.
L- Noooo.... I asked you to put it in your book bag with our chemistry project.
J- Oh now you are going to bring up the chemistry project again... I told you the last time I saw that petry dish was in your garage which is where we normally keep our gifts.
FRESH- Guys, guys. There is no need to fight what was it.
L- A TROPHY!!!
J- For being like the 189,317 person to be awarded a Texas State Learner's Permit!
L-CONGRATULATIONS!
J- We'll be sure to get it out to you!
L- FED EX 2ND DAY AIR!
J- Make sure to wait for it... Fed Ex delievers on Saturdays!
L- Yeah you probably will want to wait in that area of the house right by the front door where there usually aren't any chairs or TV's.
J- Yeah just stand and wait for it... It's a great TROPHY. I mean I know you would rather be driving a car with someone of at least 21 years of age in the passenger seat but I think its worth the wait.
FRESH- UHH.. I think someone is calling me.
L- Remember Saturday!

L, J, and C all share a laugh. K runs to the table.

K- You are all a buch of assholes...especially you L. Stay away from my brother.

Good times!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

CAKE EATER!!!

Since moving to Hollywood I have run into many famous actors, reality TV tools, pop stars, and even some early movie heros of mine. Most I encountered while walking from my apartment on Sunset and Vine to my film school on Sunset and Gower. Chris Martin, Busta Rhymes, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Corolla, all FOUR members of GREENDAY, Jeri from Survivor Australia, Johny Fairplay from Survivor?, the main guy from the main CSI (i know his name but its best to describe him that way), Will Smith, Jon Voight, the Wayans Brothers, and my all time favorite whom I saw just last weekend..... KELLY CLARKSON. All while walking to school. Other A LIST celebrities were spied on by me and my wife while at a premeire.... Clooney, Affleck, Damon, Willis, and Serena Williams were ever so close to us at the BOURNE SUPREMACY after party. (Yeah the last name threw me a little too.) At AMOEBA RECORDS I had the pleasure of running into one of my favorite SNL alumnists TRACY MORGAN and I even got a hug out of the surprisingly short man. While on a low budget movie, I had the ever so boring job of escorting MYA to and from set for two straight days. It doesn't seem like such a bad job until you realize that MYA can not talk directly to you, instead she must whisper in the ear of her publicist who then relays the message to me! I WAS STANDING LIKE 2 FEET FROM HER... Sometimes the publicist would repeat what I already said OUT LOUD!!!
I have seen the CTU of 24 while taping and watched ENTOURAGE shoot outside the Arclight.... I have even seen Rachel Bilson and Adam Brody of the 'FAKE LAGUNA BEACH' fighting at a trendy bar... HOWEVER none of those sightings can match the excitement of the chance meeting I had with one of my idols. Luckily a courtroom typist was with me to record the conversation below:

I walk up to a bar to order some drinks with my friend E:

Me: Hey...two shots of Jagermeister and a Jack and Coke for my.....(I pause)
Bartender: Coming right up!

Bartender leaves to retrieve beers and I look at E who is thinking the same thing as me.

E: Do you think that's...
Me: It must be.

Bartender returns.

Bartender: That will be 46 dollars.
Me: Here make a tab.
E: Hey man do we know you from somewhere?
Bartender: Not unless you guys are from the mid-West.
Me: Nope but I'm pretty sure I have seen you before a few times.
Bartender: Well I'm here on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I'm at Star Shoes on the weekends.
E: Okay man I'm just going to say it. (to me)

E turns to Bartender

E: Aren't you Adam Banks from the Mighty Ducks trilogy?
Bartender: (leans forward) Yeah man but that was a long time ago.
Me: It was good to meet you.

We both walk away from the bar thinking the same thing....
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CAKE EATER!

Friday, September 16, 2005

ASSASSIN 2.0

americaninja

OR

NINJApat

Thursday, September 15, 2005

BUMBLBE BEE NINJA ASSASSIN

PICTURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION

The second task for the BUMBLE BEE NINJA ASSASSIN SQUAD, the first being the termination of a certain South American president, would be the removal of all DOG PARK NAZIS. I recently volunteered at a animal rescue and my task was to aid in the transport and supervision of a pack of rescued dogs to a huge fenced in no leash DOG PARK. The park is genius. It allows dogs to roam a pretty big area with strategically placed fire hydrants for the dogs to pee on. The park also is all mulch making for the easy removal of TURDS. AMAZING.
However when letting our pack of mut strays run free for some much needed freedom....some old white NAZI lady complained and complained. Basically she was pissy because her dogs were some 1000 dollar breed and shouldn't be exposed to common mutts. I'm sure she was thinking...."THIS IS AMERICA". I tried to get COWBOY to hump her leg but he gave me the "I DON'T MOUNT CRAZY BITCHES" look and I left him to his ball fetching.

YUM YUM EAT'M UP

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I have just tried the semi-new CIABATTA BURGER from Jack N The Crack and must say it is very tasty. Below is a list of my top five fast food hamburgers.

5. THE BIG MAC- although it apparently causes liver failure there is a time in everyone's life where they crave this burger like a fat kid craves cake.

4. THE 6 DOLLAR BURGER from KARL'S JR- this burger will make you hurl for 5 hours straight. I don't know if it is humanly possible, but I am pretty sure the contents of my lower intestine were up chucked last time I tried this monstrosity. It is for its cleansing abilities that it makes my list.

3. THE DOUBLE DOUBLE from IN 'n OUT- this is a California classic that could have made #1 if I hadn't eaten it for 2 years straight..... ANIMAL STYLE. Only the cool kids know what I'm talking about.

2. THE 1 DOLLAR BACON CHEESBURGER from WENDY'S- this burger was my life line in college. Throw in a 1 dollar order of fries with a 1 dollar Frosty (to dip the fries in) and you had a full meal way better than those damned cup of noodles everyone always went nuts for. Rest In Peace Dave.... we all miss your great deals and your silly commercials.

1. THE JOLLIBEE YUM YUM BURGER- this hamburger is the GOD of all that is burger. Unfortunately you would have to fly to the Phillippines to taste this burger made of angel's wings. While spending a summer overseas myself and THE HAMBURGLAR ate a combined total of 27 YUM YUMS in one sitting for fear of never being able to taste the treats ever again. Although the YUM YUM is not a full sized American burger... it aint no SCOOBY SNACK either. We were punished for days after the feast but it was worth it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

ISN'T IT WEIRD TOO...

Wear a long sleeve shirt with a pair of shorts? I've always believed this but haven't really vocalized this opinion. There is something inherently weird about wearing more cloth on your upper body than your lower.

Discuss!

Proposition Bimbo

Monday, September 12, 2005

IDIOTS ARE TAKING OVER...

....and I want in. Here is the plan:

1. I will take out a 150K education grant.
2. Another member of MOL will do the same.
3. I will attend HARVARD, party hard, and barely graduate.
4. My counterpart will do the same at STANFORD.
5. I will run for public office and represent cynical assholes on the premise that I care for minorities, women, medical and education.
6. Counterpart will run for governor representing paranoid religious right wingers on the premise that HE will protect our nation from morally corrupt and high taxes.
7. WE both run for President and make sure every debate ends with our stance on abortion and gay marriage.
8. One of us becomes President and we accomplish none of our platforms...especially changing nothing about gay marriage or abortion. Our SON gets a "BECOME A POLITICIAN FOR FREE" card.
9. Both of us become extremely wealthy by writing tell all books about our scandals while in public office.
10. OFFSPRING REPEAT CYCLE!!!

WHO IS IN?

Friday, September 09, 2005

MAC DADDY!!!

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Apple controls me. I wake up every morning to listen to a PODCAST which I downloaded on iTUNES from my iPOD. When I get to work I iSYNC all the computers, check iCAL, and check my .MAC account all on my 17 inch POWERBOOK. When all that is completed I check the APPLE website only to find cooler versions of MAC stuff I already own. This is the iPOD nano and I want it like a fat kid wants cake.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

FILM NERDS UNITE

Tomorrow the short film I made for film school will premeire at the LA Short Film Festival. Last night was Opening Night and the Director of SPEED and SPEED 2 was given the MAVERICK FILM AWARD. He then proceeded to tell us that films these days have too many explosions and special effects and filmmakers everywhere have a responsibility to tell a great story.....
I quickly jumped out of my second to the last row seat and scavenged the entire audience for a pen and some paper. When the absence of paper was apparent and the only pen was out of ink I ripped off my shirt and stabbed my finger and wrote his original words of wisdom in blood. I mean if the guy who brought us SPEED 2 CRUISE CONTROL gives filmmakers everywhere an ultimatum I think filmmakers everywhere should remember his exact words. I am now campaigning to replace the HOLLYWOOD sign with my bloodied T-SHIRT so all of Los Angeles will remember the night that the director of Speed told us to make good movies. MAN WHAT GOOD ADVICE.
After having BLOWN EVERYONE'S MIND... The festival had a mixer outside of the ARCLIGHT. It was fun. Basically a bunch of film nerds trying to explain how their 5 minute/low budget film was just like a KUROSAWA movie. Simply amazing!!!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The original LOST!

One of my all time favorite TV super stars has passed away. Bob Denver (aka Gilligan of Gilligan's Island) has died. READ THE FULL STORY HERE
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Below is few of my all time favorite Gilligan made for TV movie moments:

1. A mad scientist invades the island with Basketball playing robots so The HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS somehow show up and have a showdown against the bots!

2. The castaways escape from the Island but have a hard time fitting in with the new world. They decide to set sail on a three hour reunion tour for Christmas (via the Skipper and Gilligan's new ship) and end up marooned on the exact same island.

3. ALF dreams about being on the island with The Skipper, Gilligan, and The Professor. (NOT REALLY A MOVIE MOMENT BUT STILL GENIUS)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

I want to invent DRUGS...

inventor

Think about it. It's one bad ass job. Some SUIT storms into your laboratory and disturbs your research on the cure for AIDS and other epidemics to say....

"GENTLEMEN WE NEED A PILL FOR ALLERGIC REACTIONS TO CAT HAIR, A POST SEX ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DEFLATOR, AND SOMETHING FOR THAT WEIRD SENSATION YOU GET WHEN YOU STAND UP TOO FAST AFTER WATCHING 5 HOURS OF CABLE TELEVISION. MAKE SURE IT CAUSES ALOT OF BULLSHIT SIDE EFFECTS AND GET ON IT STAT...I'LL MAKE SURE WE HAVE TONS OF GOVERNMENT FUNDING AND START STORYBOARDING A COMMERCIAL WITH LOTS OF CLASSIC CARS, SOME KITE FLYING, AND A CUTE PUPPY. THIS IS GOING TO BE HUGE.

OH AND ONE MORE THING... DON'T CURE ANYTHING!"

What an easy job. Give me like five days and some ZINC over a bunsen burner and I'll invent SUPERLOSAC. It will help you see in low light and totally give you the shits. IT WILL BE HUGE!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

NO...I AM NOT IN A BAND

BELOW IS A RECREATION OF A CONVERSATION I HAD TODAY WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER. THIS HAPPENS TO ME AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH...

CONVERSATION 1...
A complete stranger approaches me.

Stranger- Excuse me. Are you in a band?
Me- What?
Stranger- Aren't you in a band?
Me- No...
Stranger- Are you sure? My brother told me you are in Good Charlotte?
Me- No... I'm sure.
Stranger- Really?
Me- Do you hear really really bad music coming from my mouth?
Stranger- No!
Me- Am I wearing eye make up?
Stranger- No!
Me- Then I am not in Good Charlette and I am not in a band.
Stranger- Oh! Are you sure because I thought with the tattoos and the ear rings?
Me- Yes I'm sure!
Stranger- Well uhh... what religion are you?
Me- Excuse me...
Stranger- What religion are you?
Me- (Silence to see what would happen next)
Stranger- Is Jesus your Savior?
Me- People still say that in church?
Stranger- What?
Me- Look I don't want to begin a theological discussion with a complete stranger...especially since I have to be somewhere in 5 minutes. In answer to your second question Yes and No!!
Stranger- Well if you are saved then I have nothing more to say to you.
Me- WHAT?
Stranger- Since you already know I don't have to worry about you?

I look up and I am not lying... a Catholic NUN was in Starbucks watching the whole conversation. She smiles at me and I politely say good-bye and leave. I get approached about being in a band at least once a month and it usually is followed by the JESUS question. I don't know which question is more annoying?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

WHO WILL BE THE NEXT BOND?

There is war between film nerds as to who will be the next Bond in the remake of CASINO ROYALE.
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That's right if you haven't heard BROSNAN is out, but look who is in to write what may be the darkest BOND....PAUL HAGGIS. Writer of MILLION DOLLAR BABY and WRITER/DIRECTOR of CRASH. This is pure genius.

Below is my top three picks for the new BOND!

1. CLIVE OWEN
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I really think he has a chance at landing the role if he wants it. I loved him in SIN CITY. For me, he was the best part of the movie and would be perfect for new generation of Bond. If you haven't seen him in the BMW short films then you are soooo not keeping up because that was a few years ago and completely RAD!

2. GEORGE CLOONEY
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Look I know most will disagree, but I think Clooney would really mix it up. Plus he probably would only do a few BOND films before giving up, so CLIVE could take over after him. Until then check out a trailor to his sophmore directorial debut GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK shot in black and white like a pimp!

3. BENECIO DEL TORO
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THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX PEOPLE. Benecio would be a bitch slapping, sucker punching, whiskey drinkin' Bond bad ass! I'm telling you!