Wednesday, August 31, 2005

MUST NOT SLEEP CLOWNS WILL EAT ME!!!

Several of our fellow bloggers may be very afraid of what I am about to say but this story must be told!!! It is about the CREEPIEST person ever to attend highschool in the history of Texas. Now you may say....
U- I don't know FINALWARNING we had this guy who claimed to worship the Devil and one time ate a fish head...
Me- Unless he could overcome the space time continuim and control the ferocity of fire then just sit back and read...

In highschool me and my friends befriended a young man whom I shall call CREEPY! He was a nice enough guy for being incredibly CREEPY. He often wore a t-shirt that said MUST NOT SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME. He probably had about 17 of this same black shirt because he wore it almost every day. Myself, SJ, and MAA would eat lunch with Mr. Creepy almost every day, we would say "S'UP" to him in the halls, and I even made a little promo video highlighting his creepiness but it was all in good fun.

BUT THEN THINGS GOT WEIRD!!!

Creepy would start saying things like:

Creepy:Have you ever thought what it would be like to kill a horse?
Me: Uhmmm.... No actually I never think about that, but uhhh... it sure it beautiful outside where there are many reliable witnesses within yelling distance. Hey look there must be 8 people that can see us right now. (I start waving) Yeah and I totally know that guy and I'm sure he knows you so what do you say we Hey what is that? (I point in the other direction run away in fear)
Creepy: (yells) I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!

Seriously things got SUPER CREEPY. After several instances like that me and MAA would approach NON BIMBO in the highschool hallway to try and explain the unbelievebly scarry conversation we just had with CREEPOID and as soon as we uttered his name......POOF..... he appeared behind us, put his ice cold hands on our necks, and said...
"You boys up for some Dungeons and Dragons!"

Honestly... I would never exaggerate on the world wide web. It got to a point, if you said his name he would appear. I would see him in class at 3rd Period Science, I would walk down the hall to English class and run into SJ, I would try to tell him a CREEPY tale not using his name:

SJ: Wait... who just showed you a collection of bizarre MEDIEVAL knives and torturing devices in the back of his van?
Me: You know? (I start pantomiming CREEPY behaviors)
SJ: My future wife?
Me: NO Jackass!!! _ _ _ (I said his name out loud)

Ice cold nubby little hands caress the back of my neck. Fear coarses through my body as I turn around and read that phrase that I have come to hate
MUST NOT SLEEP CLOWNS WILL EAT ME!!!

I should probably draw a diagram to show you how it is not HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the CREEPSTER to escape our crazy Science teacher, run around the building, place his nubby hands in ice cold water, and appear behind us in front of English class. C-R-E-E-P-Y!
The final freaky example still baffles my mind. We all were in beatifull Keystone Colorado skiing and vacationing. CREEP spent most of his time off of the slope in the shady forest hunting small woodland creatures. Our youth pastor arranged for me, SJ, and MAA to share a condo room with YOU KNOW WHO. Most of us feared for our lives. Somewhere between our paranoia and exhaustion, someone asked CREEPY if he would not mind going outside on the balcony and grilling up some steaks. He cordially accepted, walked outside and shut the sliding glass door while we both watched TV and the borderline psycho grill steaks outside. For some reason still unknown to me, because we all knew the repercussions of speaking about the MAD MAN'S actions, MAA whispered ever so quietly about how he had seen CREEPY howling at the moon, or something to that extent...
SUDDENLY
A plume of flames and smoke shot up from the grill outside and when we looked up from our seats CREEPY was standing at the door laughing. While my attention was on the 8 foot flame shooting out of the grill, it is MISSINGANACTION and SUBURBANJESUS' testimony that flames also were shooting out from the fireplace in the condo living room. I don't know if they will admit it but we all had to change our THERMAL UNDERWEAR after. Also we were not able to tell another living soul about it unless we spoke in code backwards underwater... and even then we had to do it between 9pm and Midnight on Summer Solstice. It is my hope that the power of MOL and blogger will protect me.
This is my confession!

6 Comments:

Blogger kerri said...

THIS made me laugh out loud more than i have in a long time.

and the most horrible thing is, i fear that my comment will link me to you (when, not if, he finds this), and we will be tortured together under a full moon in a snow covered meadow.

2:42 PM  
Blogger kerri said...

and speaking of snow covered meadows...you forgot to mention how he was outside the condo, in the valley, barefoot, making snow angels.

2:44 PM  
Blogger wewilleatyou said...

soooo f-ing creepy man!!! i forgot about that one...he had no sense of pain!

2:53 PM  
Blogger MOL Junior said...

last saturday carter gave me the tour of all of you jackasses' high school, so i have a context for this story, which makes it even better.

that being said

what are you waiting for, WWEY, write a script about this guy!!!

7:54 PM  
Blogger j-lay said...

that was off the hizzle.

8:38 PM  
Blogger linz said...

I have never laughed so much at a post before in my life. I so remember the clown shirt and having to ride on that bus for like 19 hours with the spawn of satan! I still have pictures from that trip. I actually just got them out to look at and there is a picture of you guys and CREEPY is peering over your shoulders in the background with a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches. Wierd that I didn't notice that before..

1:11 PM  

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