Tuesday, August 23, 2005

A FAR SUPERIOR SPECIES

It is my belief that the superhuman race known as SASQUATCH does in fact actually exist.
bigfoot full face
AKA the 'BIGFOOT' this race has chosen to migrate to the beautiful, tranquil, and less populated land of CANADA where they hibernate for years at a time. It is my theory that this species is far superior to mankind, mainly because of its unimaginable amounts of body hair, and its ability to remain hidden underground for decades on end. However, the secret of the SASQUATCH can remain hidden underground no longer for I have uncovered vast amounts of evidence which prooves the man ape's existence.
big foots
As stated before, BIGFOOT, now lives in Canada where it hibernates for decades at a time. Recent pictures of the beautiful being have not been taken because it has hibernated throughout most of the technological age, but there was a time when members of the SASQUATCH race had to intervene in mankind's struggle. Consider exhibit A:
civil war sasquatch
PEBBLESWALL SASQUATCH. The good general fought for the Yankees at Gettysburg where he valiantly held off the Rebels flank attack, he then hibernated, became heavily involved in the hippy movement, hibernated again, and later starred in a Beasty Boys music video.
Not all Sasquatch, however, have contributed positively in our nation's history. A small percentage have developed a special taste for our women and have been known to kidnap
halfbreeds
and bear half-squatch children that suffer insurmountable mental handicaps
35147777_d14b008163_o

Recently I interviewed one of my hero's at one of my favorite Los Angeles bars... THE BIG FOOT LODGE

ME: It is a real honor to be able to interview you Mr. Spieldberg.
Steven: The pleasure is mine.
Me: You are too kind... Now sir do you mind if I ask you a few questions about one of the most inspiring documentaries of the past 25 years.
Steven: Go ahead but I thought we were going to talk about...
Me: No, I wanted to ask you a few questions about the groundbreaking documentary that you greenlit while with Amblin Entertainment.
Steven: (no response)
Me: HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS
Poster
Steven: (laughs)
Me: This is no laughing matter sir. Now how was it shooting around such a large super human speci as the SASQUATCH. I'm sure you just called him HARRY.
Steven: You must no that movie was not a doc...
Me: Was not a documentary like anything ever witnessed by mankind... I know.
Steven: Am I being PUNK'd? Where's Ashton?
Me: Sir I do not know what Mr. Kutcher would know about BIGFOOT. Personally I would rather have interviewed John Lithgow. He seemed to have spent more time with the SASQUATCH what with his child discovering the angelic being in the wilderness and all.
Steven: Is this one of those where Ashton does not show up and the crew just sort of awkwardly pops out of the back room.... I JUST GOT PUNK'd. Where is the camera so I can say it straight to the lens? I JUST GOT PUNK'd.
Me: Tell me everything you know about the amazing HALF SQUATCH breed which have the uncanny ability of urinating in its sibling's mouth.
Steven: (no response)
One of his assistants whispers in Spieldberg's ear and I get punched in the face.

As with any new discovery there may be some cynics, but I am grounded in my belief that the SASQUATCH exist and hope to one day evolve into a beautiful, hairy man ape myself.

This has been another groundbreaking scientific study brought to you by random google searches and photoshop. YOUR WELCOME.

2 Comments:

Blogger j-lay said...

no one told you? steven was sworn in under oath to protect harry at all cost. even at his own expense. silly man, trying to pull ashton into it.

7:08 AM  
Blogger kerri said...

...they DO exist!...

9:25 AM  

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