Wednesday, August 31, 2005


Several of our fellow bloggers may be very afraid of what I am about to say but this story must be told!!! It is about the CREEPIEST person ever to attend highschool in the history of Texas. Now you may say....
U- I don't know FINALWARNING we had this guy who claimed to worship the Devil and one time ate a fish head...
Me- Unless he could overcome the space time continuim and control the ferocity of fire then just sit back and read...

In highschool me and my friends befriended a young man whom I shall call CREEPY! He was a nice enough guy for being incredibly CREEPY. He often wore a t-shirt that said MUST NOT SLEEP, CLOWNS WILL EAT ME. He probably had about 17 of this same black shirt because he wore it almost every day. Myself, SJ, and MAA would eat lunch with Mr. Creepy almost every day, we would say "S'UP" to him in the halls, and I even made a little promo video highlighting his creepiness but it was all in good fun.


Creepy would start saying things like:

Creepy:Have you ever thought what it would be like to kill a horse?
Me: Uhmmm.... No actually I never think about that, but uhhh... it sure it beautiful outside where there are many reliable witnesses within yelling distance. Hey look there must be 8 people that can see us right now. (I start waving) Yeah and I totally know that guy and I'm sure he knows you so what do you say we Hey what is that? (I point in the other direction run away in fear)

Seriously things got SUPER CREEPY. After several instances like that me and MAA would approach NON BIMBO in the highschool hallway to try and explain the unbelievebly scarry conversation we just had with CREEPOID and as soon as we uttered his name......POOF..... he appeared behind us, put his ice cold hands on our necks, and said...
"You boys up for some Dungeons and Dragons!"

Honestly... I would never exaggerate on the world wide web. It got to a point, if you said his name he would appear. I would see him in class at 3rd Period Science, I would walk down the hall to English class and run into SJ, I would try to tell him a CREEPY tale not using his name:

SJ: Wait... who just showed you a collection of bizarre MEDIEVAL knives and torturing devices in the back of his van?
Me: You know? (I start pantomiming CREEPY behaviors)
SJ: My future wife?
Me: NO Jackass!!! _ _ _ (I said his name out loud)

Ice cold nubby little hands caress the back of my neck. Fear coarses through my body as I turn around and read that phrase that I have come to hate

I should probably draw a diagram to show you how it is not HUMANLY POSSIBLE for the CREEPSTER to escape our crazy Science teacher, run around the building, place his nubby hands in ice cold water, and appear behind us in front of English class. C-R-E-E-P-Y!
The final freaky example still baffles my mind. We all were in beatifull Keystone Colorado skiing and vacationing. CREEP spent most of his time off of the slope in the shady forest hunting small woodland creatures. Our youth pastor arranged for me, SJ, and MAA to share a condo room with YOU KNOW WHO. Most of us feared for our lives. Somewhere between our paranoia and exhaustion, someone asked CREEPY if he would not mind going outside on the balcony and grilling up some steaks. He cordially accepted, walked outside and shut the sliding glass door while we both watched TV and the borderline psycho grill steaks outside. For some reason still unknown to me, because we all knew the repercussions of speaking about the MAD MAN'S actions, MAA whispered ever so quietly about how he had seen CREEPY howling at the moon, or something to that extent...
A plume of flames and smoke shot up from the grill outside and when we looked up from our seats CREEPY was standing at the door laughing. While my attention was on the 8 foot flame shooting out of the grill, it is MISSINGANACTION and SUBURBANJESUS' testimony that flames also were shooting out from the fireplace in the condo living room. I don't know if they will admit it but we all had to change our THERMAL UNDERWEAR after. Also we were not able to tell another living soul about it unless we spoke in code backwards underwater... and even then we had to do it between 9pm and Midnight on Summer Solstice. It is my hope that the power of MOL and blogger will protect me.
This is my confession!

Monday, August 29, 2005


Two thumbs way down and one middle finger up for the painful car crash that was this years VMA'S. After its tragically boring VMA last year, MTV decided to stay in Miami and actually hire a host this time. Too bad for them neither strategies worked out. Below is a quick recap of the nights festivities so you don't have to sit through one of the many reruns of the show.


Celebrities drove right up the WHITE CARPET to show off their "DUNKS" and be interveiwed by SWAY.

SWAY- it great to be herre in MIAMI or what.
K- Truth Playa!
SWAY- Tell me a little bit about your outfit.
K- Well you know... Since we are in MIAMI and all I was going for the whole DON JOHSON jump off.

2 minutes later

SWAY- WHAT are you wearing tonight SON!
Usher- Well you know... I had to do this thing so I got me a little Miami Vice GET UP!

5 minutes later

Sway- Its good to see the two of you together walking the red carpet.
Ashley- Thanks... its good to be out here with my sister.
Sway- I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that!
Ashley- Oh she said she is happy to be here tonight.
SWAY- (speechless)
Ashley- She said to buy her new TUNA FISH flavored shampoo that you can eat. That and she just saved a ton of money on her car insurance by switching to GEICO.
SWAY- Uhh. Let's go back over to Suchin!
(interview ends and Sway watches as MR. SIMPSON jumps out from the bush he was hiding in and retrieves his hand from the backs of his two daughters...places them in a suitcase and walks off)

3 minutes before show!!!

Sway- I'm standing with the man of the year (gun shots off screen) Mr. G-Unit himself, 50 cent!
50- Yeah Yeah!
Sway- Now you have to tell me what you are wearing tonight!
50- Don Johnson!!
Sway- Wow... this is a VMA first YALLLLL. 50 hired the 80's TV sensation Don Johnson to design a Miami Vice throwback for him.
50- No..bump that. I'm actually wearing DON JOHNSON. I shot him 5 times and made him into a suit.


Diddy stands center stage as he talksings about partying and water shoots in the air. He then stands their awkwardly for about 5 minutes. MTV hands out some awards and every once in a while there is a cut-away shot of some intensely bored and confused celebrity. Diddy then makes sure everyone knows he is incredibly wealthy and for some reason MC HAMMER performs. By this time I am confused so I switch the channel to watch ROME. The VMA'S only saving grace was that SNOOP DOG was there...the rest was crap. I think I would have rather spent my time:


REST IN PEACE Donny boy we will all miss you.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

OVER THE TOP is below

Just click on the castpost link below and wait about 2 minutes for the clip to download. I uploaded as small a file as I could without comprimising the level of ARMWRESTLE that must be present during such an epic tale as this. I hope you enjoy!

Powered by Castpost

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Inspired by the sheer volume of top 10's on the MOL network recently, I would like to add my top ten OUT OF THIS WORLD creatures to the mix.

In no particular order:


It is my belief that the superhuman race known as SASQUATCH does in fact actually exist.
bigfoot full face
AKA the 'BIGFOOT' this race has chosen to migrate to the beautiful, tranquil, and less populated land of CANADA where they hibernate for years at a time. It is my theory that this species is far superior to mankind, mainly because of its unimaginable amounts of body hair, and its ability to remain hidden underground for decades on end. However, the secret of the SASQUATCH can remain hidden underground no longer for I have uncovered vast amounts of evidence which prooves the man ape's existence.
big foots
As stated before, BIGFOOT, now lives in Canada where it hibernates for decades at a time. Recent pictures of the beautiful being have not been taken because it has hibernated throughout most of the technological age, but there was a time when members of the SASQUATCH race had to intervene in mankind's struggle. Consider exhibit A:
civil war sasquatch
PEBBLESWALL SASQUATCH. The good general fought for the Yankees at Gettysburg where he valiantly held off the Rebels flank attack, he then hibernated, became heavily involved in the hippy movement, hibernated again, and later starred in a Beasty Boys music video.
Not all Sasquatch, however, have contributed positively in our nation's history. A small percentage have developed a special taste for our women and have been known to kidnap
and bear half-squatch children that suffer insurmountable mental handicaps

Recently I interviewed one of my hero's at one of my favorite Los Angeles bars... THE BIG FOOT LODGE

ME: It is a real honor to be able to interview you Mr. Spieldberg.
Steven: The pleasure is mine.
Me: You are too kind... Now sir do you mind if I ask you a few questions about one of the most inspiring documentaries of the past 25 years.
Steven: Go ahead but I thought we were going to talk about...
Me: No, I wanted to ask you a few questions about the groundbreaking documentary that you greenlit while with Amblin Entertainment.
Steven: (no response)
Steven: (laughs)
Me: This is no laughing matter sir. Now how was it shooting around such a large super human speci as the SASQUATCH. I'm sure you just called him HARRY.
Steven: You must no that movie was not a doc...
Me: Was not a documentary like anything ever witnessed by mankind... I know.
Steven: Am I being PUNK'd? Where's Ashton?
Me: Sir I do not know what Mr. Kutcher would know about BIGFOOT. Personally I would rather have interviewed John Lithgow. He seemed to have spent more time with the SASQUATCH what with his child discovering the angelic being in the wilderness and all.
Steven: Is this one of those where Ashton does not show up and the crew just sort of awkwardly pops out of the back room.... I JUST GOT PUNK'd. Where is the camera so I can say it straight to the lens? I JUST GOT PUNK'd.
Me: Tell me everything you know about the amazing HALF SQUATCH breed which have the uncanny ability of urinating in its sibling's mouth.
Steven: (no response)
One of his assistants whispers in Spieldberg's ear and I get punched in the face.

As with any new discovery there may be some cynics, but I am grounded in my belief that the SASQUATCH exist and hope to one day evolve into a beautiful, hairy man ape myself.

This has been another groundbreaking scientific study brought to you by random google searches and photoshop. YOUR WELCOME.

Monday, August 22, 2005


I just ate a tuna salad for lunch and pondered what are the top five most discusting tuna combinations:

(this is from experience... I finished my tuna salad then went on to my Yoplait Mixberry Yogart to discover that I had remnants of tuna salad on my fork. I want to punish my tongue for allowing this to happen.)
4. TUNA-PALOOZA (tuna martini)


I have finally found a way to post a video on my blog so in celebration I shall post a project I did for film school.
recreate a scene from a movie that has already been produced.
Dead Man Walking, Good Will Hunting, City of Angels.

A recreation of a legenday movie from 1989 starring Sylvester Stalone as an armwrestling truckdriver... OVER THE TOP

Hopefully it should be up by the end of the day.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


This documentary is hands down the most entertaining docu I HAVE EVER SEEN. It is a Canadian cult classic and will finally get a much deserved DVD release on October 11, 2005. It follows a man obsessed with making a GRIZZLY BEAR PROOF SUIT. Our hero then tests out the suit by standing in front of a speeding truck and jumping off a cliff. I'm not sure how that verifies the suit is GRIZZLY PROOF, but that is the genius of this movie. You do not want to miss this!!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


Randomol world
Please watch your head and your step as you enter the most random and useless corner or the world wide web. Below is a guide through the a very enjoyable waist of time.

1. SJ's Visitors Info and Souvenier Shack
A great place to connect with other MOLs and get some interesting perspective, but be carefull of the carnival like announcer who tricks you into playing the costly game of throw the baseball at the lead filled pyramid of may lead to credit card fraud.
Visit these originators as they battle to see who is more MOLY!
3. Non Bimbo Rest Stop
The articles at this stop are like pressing your ear to the ladies restroom and listening to the chatter. These girls are here also.
This bunch usually take over the comment section of everyone's blog.
No amusement park is complete without this jolly land.
These sites will blow your minds. Not for the politically correct or followers of the POWER TEAM.
This used to be the petting zoo but the zoo keeper never fed the MOL and the animals have all died.
Stay away from that damned next blog button. If you visit this section of the park you will have to learn 8 different languages and you will be spammed.

THANKS FOR VISITING THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH. Of course there are more sites to find but they are in uncharted territories.

Monday, August 15, 2005


I recently fell asleep while watching the TRINITY BROADCAST NETWORK and found myself in a dream about to interview the
The following is a transcript of my interview with several members of the squad that breaks shit for Jesus.

Knock on the door. I go to answer and find 6 exceptionally large men standing in the hotel hallway.

Me: Hey guys come on in.
Power Team: (Grunts and Rumbles)
Me: Sorry about the mess. I would have booked the interview elsewhere if I had known THE ROOSEVELT was under such a massive remodeling phase.
PT: Don't worry sissy boy we will make ourselves right at home.

One member of the POWER TEAM breaks through the adjoining wall and

Me: Impressive, but I am pretty sure they were using those materials for construction.

Tommy walks up and shakes my hand. He is the obvious leader.

Tommy: Jesus saves brother.
Me: Okay... let's jump right in. Why do you guys bend iron over your heads and jump from platforms to crush columns of bricks. It makes no sense and is extremely annoying.
Tommy: Hold on I need a TEST-A-MINT. My breath stinks.

A member of the squad pulls out a syringe, fills it with a clear substance, and pumps it into Tommy's hindside. Tommy breathes on me.

Tommy: There is that better.
Me: Uhhh... actually no. You did not eat a mint but instead injected steriods into your butt. Steriods do not help your breath smell better they help you grow repulsively massive so you can crush things with your head.

Suddenly a loud crash...I turn around to see:

Me: Where did all that ice come from?
Tommy: Jesus.
Power Team: Amen brother?
Me: What? That doesn't make any sense and why do you guys keep on breaking stuff. I'm here to interview you.
Tommy: No you are here to get saved!!!! Hit it Earl!
Me: I struggle finding a biblical purpose for breaking a Louisvill Slugger. Also you do know that Earl is a girl. I was confused at first too but its definitely a chick!!!
Tommy: You are really making me mad just get saved!!! Aren't you impressed that we can break stuff.
Me: No, I am not the least bit impressed and still am very confused why you do this here in my hotel room and on a nightly 58 city tour. Do your fans know you guys use performance enhancing drugs?

Another crash...

Me: Seriously big guy they actually use those for construction. Sorry Tommy I'm going to have to call security and you guys will have to pay for all of this.
Tommy: Oh yeah....
Yellow pages

Tommy: How will you find the number for security now? The yellow pages are ripped but the Bible never see? Don't you want to get saved?
Me: Uhh...I'll just press 0 to connect with security and don't act like you didn't bring that phone book with you.

I get connected with security and here some moving behind me but pay little attention to the POWER TEAM until:

Tommy: Hey sissy boy watch this...

Me: That is completely unnecessary on so many levels!!!

The cops showed up and arrested every last member of the POWER TEAM. Apparently they are wanted in Arkansas for destroying a small town gymnasium. The police escorted them out of the building but somewhere between the lobby and the squad car

I then woke up and turned off time I hope I fall asleep to the "Making of the OMEGA CODE".

Saturday, August 13, 2005

From the director of American Beauty


For all intended purposes I look like this now
,but there once was a time that I looked like this
Yes many of you know all to well I was once the ALL AMERICAN BOY until something went terribly right and I escaped BAPTIST (andor) FOOTBALL world to grow a functioning worldview and overwhelming feeling of freedom. Yes I escaped with very few scars, some close friends, and a horrible lower back problem from 8 years of hardnosed Texas football. Now do not get me wrong.... I was not involved in a very competitive league. If you could run straight, hold down your food, and scream YES SIR at ear piercing levels you were allowed on the team and treated like D list local celebrities for about 2 months. If you could hold onto the ball you were automatically put into the running back position and asked to do the impossible.
I was always a runningback and most of the plays involved a quarterback handing me the ball and me running for my life. Our team gave up on the whole "pass and catch" thing since most lacked any motor skills. I'm pretty sure my back problem came from my offensive line
giving up on the whole "blocking" thing since most of the opposing teams looked like this:
If I could do it over again I would just hang out with the band geeks, but instead I fell victim to pressure and played even though all I wanted to do was just sit down on the bench. The funny thing was some freshmen just wanted to play.
they would sit on the sidelines, laugh at our cheerleaders
and wait
I'm glad now my time can be waisted on films and blogs and not a unofficial cult known as TEXAS HIGHSCHOOL FOOTBALL. Ofcourse playing football has allowed me the opportunity of posting the same picture of Carter 3 times in a row.
I have to say this for old times sake... I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS LET ME PLAY FOOTBALL!


Just started off the weekend strong with a great documentary now on DVD.
If you are a fan of satire and any sort of a activist go get this movie about two guys who, through a series of misunderstandings, make public speeches representing the WORLD TRADE ORGANIZATION dressed like this:
It is simply genius!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Reunion Arena should be rolling in its grave...

It's been seven years in the making but finally I have gathered enough information to prove my conspiracy theory against REUNION ARENA.
For sometime now, me and a reputable cynic have had an ongoing disagreement about the configuration of the former home to the Dallas Stars and Mavericks...Reunion Arena. The disagreement was whether, during hockey season, the ice was kept below the basketball court or was placed above the court. Now any logical minded person would believe that the ice was kept below the hardwood, covered by some form of insulation. I too held this belief until one fateful night while visiting a Stars game only 3 days after visiting a Maverick's game. It was then when I realized that the arena was uncapable of holding the ice under the court. Mathmatically it just would not work.
Consider exhibit A:
Diagrams A and B show the configuration of Reunion Arena during a hockey game and Diagram C represents a basketball game. The diagram shows how the massive ice rink leads all the way up to non-moving chairs of Reunion Arena while is C the diagram shows the smaller Basketball court farther down in the arena and chairs/bleachers added to the outskirts of the court.
Now consider exhibit 2:
A star has been placed to mark where the bolted down chairs end and the rink/bleachers begin. If you notice in the two pictures many more chairs and bleachers are added at a incline in the basketball court. In fact the capacity of a Maverick's game is over 1,000 more than at a Star's game. You will also notice the non-moving scoreboard is closer to the ice then it is to the basketball court. Both these points prove that the court is at a lower point in the arena than the ice rink. The ice can not be held beneath the basketball surface if, geographically, the court is lower than the ice rink.
Recently I emailed the general manager of Reunion Arena about my dispute and received this email that supported the BELOW THE COURT theory.
Email 1
If you will notice below the super imposed star just next to his signature there is some sort of super small message. With the power of photoshop I magnified it many times and this is what it said.
Obviously the good people of Dallas do not want my theory to be published. Why you might ask? Because it is a conspiracy theory!!! That and they waisted tons of tax payers money on water and workforce by having to add the ice after every Maverick's game and remove it after every Star's game. I know for many of you this may be too much for you to believe so that is why I interviewd Charlton Heston. Below is a transcription of the interview.

Me: Hello Mr. Heston it is good of you to hold this interview with me.
Heston: (NO Respone... just a glaring look)
Me: Okay... well I know you were a huge supporter of Reunion Arena and I wanted to ask you a few questions about where the facility stored its hockey rink during non hockey play.
Heston: I just went poopy!
Me: Uh...sir I understand you are a extremely busy person but I want you to look at this picture. It is a picture of a 3 year abandoned arena now empty because of the carelessness of Dallas city planners, the NRA, and Dick Clark restraunts. All of you are responsible for waisted tax money.
Heston: (walks out of his guest house as I hold up a picture of empty Reunion Arena)

I also interviewed Minnesota born, Emanuel Strippenger who moved from St. Paul to drive a zamboni for the Dallas Stars. He is the first eye witness to publically support the ABOVE THE COURT theory. City officials and the owners of Reunion Arena locked him up with the ice making supplies and forced him falsify the belief that the ice was kept under the court year around. The only time he was allowed out was during the STARS game where he would drive the zamboni in what he refers to a "publically isolated prison." He was never allowed to use the restroom because he disagreed with placing the ice rink above the basketball court.He had this to say:
It is a tragedy that the people of Dallas were decieved to believe Reunion Arena could house both basketball and hockey. Unfortunately millions of taxpayer's dollars were lost and now Emanuel will be forced to where diapers the rest of his life. I not only blame those who hid the truth from the people (Heston and Clark) but also those who are too ignorant to see the truth. I am just happy that Mr. Strippenger has found his freedom again back in Minnesota and hopefully he will never work for a franchise that harbors deciet.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Have you ever used the NEXT BLOG button in the top right corner of the screen? I usually do when no one on the MOL network has posted anything but I think mine is broken. For some reason the only place it leads is to NON-english speaking blogs in which one Japanese school girl has built a semi-impressive journal/montage of her undying love for her boyfriend, whom she has at least 43 pictures of...all taken on the same day in the same room.
Honestly is no one else out there actually writing interesting articles about saving abandoned orphans or global killers or at least sympathy blogging.
The answer is simply....No they are not. Instead they post once every month about some aspect of the world that nightly news already handles.
The following are general comments I have for the rest of the Blogger community.

"Yes I did know that Peter Jennings died...but thank you for posting it on your blog two days after the fact."
"No I do not believe your theory that our President is secretly gay and that is why we went to war with Iraq, but again thank you for your bi-quarterly, 2 line post."
"Yes blogging is cool and soooo fun, but it doesn't actually count as blogging if you keep writing that."
"Thank-you for letting us know you watched TV last night, next time it may be more interesting if you complained about something or tried your hand at the old "remember the 80's tv show" works wonders."
"Learn English!"
"Please stop posting pictures of your loved ones and valuables along with general hints about where you live. You are an idiot."
and finally...
"Next time.....go for a sympathy post. It works wonders, just ask this guy."

Go ahead and hit the button. Do it from this site and you will find a world so desolate of anything interesting that you may just return with a new found since of thankfulness and hope for everything MOL.

Monday, August 08, 2005


One of the first things I ever blogged about was my new operating system for my MAC which allowed for little WIDGET programs the hide on your desktop and perform tasks for you. At first they were the desktop dictionary or the flight tracker or even the 5 day forecast. But then things took a turn for the worst. I began downloading the PACMAN mini game and the National Federal Debt counter and the Ben Stiller "DO IT" widget... things got a little crowded on my secret desktop. Every once in a while I have to delete a program from my list of widgets and its hard, but it makes room for the future like this beauty. It is called MACGYVERISMS and gives me a new way to escape danger every day.

Here are a few:

Used ball point pen case to fix fuel line.
Hit iron bar on fire hydrant to make magnet.

Oh Richard you have found a safe haven on my desktop... until someone invents the WALKER TEXAS RANGER widget that is.


I'm not sure if this movie will get much publicity but it was amazing. I got to catch a sneak preview this weekend and thought it was exceptional. It is about the most successful rescue of POW's in U.S. military history, set in the Phillippines WW2. The cast and the directing is phenomenol. It would be hard for me to say it is better than SAVING PRIVATE RYAN but it is definitely a great war movie and well worth seeing in a theatre. Go see it...then seen BROKEN FLOWERS.
Anyhow thats what i did this weekend. That and shot some live footage for my docu. I got another show this coming weekend I will shoot and will hopefully start some interviews in the next two weeks.

Friday, August 05, 2005


I forgot to add this for movies to see in the slump. This will be the best movie you see this summer.

Mystery Poo

I know this has happened to you. It happens to all of us and probably will remain unsolved. You have probably even had many a conversation about the strange phenomenon known as THE MYSTERY POO!
You feel nature calling so you retreat to your throne of choice and grab whatever celebrity gossip magazine your office keeps in its bathrooms. You relax, THEN PUSH, relax, THEN PUSH, and suddenly you feel a splash. You smell an odor that is unmistakingly poo. So you then do what any normal, functioning person would do.... you sneak a peak at your creation just as a proud parent would do.

What do you see?

Absolutely nothing... the mystery poo has struck again. You cynics out there might say it has merely escaped down the hatch due to its weight and your butt's unknowing perfect aim, but you then wipe (SHUT UP CARTER) to realize your bum is as clean as it was the day your DAD shaved it before cystic surgery. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the time saved on the cleaning process, but mystery poo's spark so many questions.... What happened to that elusive turd? Do our bodies know how to create invisible fecal matter to rid the world of embarrasing waste? These questions, and more like them, just may always remain unsloved mysteries.